The Bird That Never Perches

Sometimes I get my mind running so much about various things that I lose it. Things that I feel like I should be thinking about, but aren't presently affecting me. Most of them musical, of course...
I'm going to attempt to answer a few of life's deepest questions in my next few posts. Not necessarily in complete detail, (That would be a never-ending paragraph, if you know me) but just enough that I can get some of these "thoughts" off of my chest. Clear my head a little so I can (LIVE). So I can remind myself of why I'm here. On this earth. Following this path. So I can ask, "Why me?". So I can discover my own secrets. My desires. My purpose.
Question #1: Which is worse... failing or never trying?
This question runs through my mind more that you can ever imagine. It has brought me to tears on many occasions. Decisions and I are not always friends. The best example I can use to express my thoughts on this question is my experience with the UNI Northern Festival of Bands Solo Competition. Hopefully it's relatable to a page or two from the story of your own life.
So I had been planning on auditioning for this competition since I was a high school freshman at the honor band, already knowing I was going to attend UNI. However, when February of 2010 came, I almost backed out. I performed the Arutunian Trumpet Concerto for the SEIBA Major Lander's Music Education Scholarship, and although I won it, it definitely wasn't due to my solo performance. It was largely due to my score on the theory test and most importantly, my interview, where the judges were able to see my undying passion for music education. I decided I wouldn't bother embarrassing myself at the solo competition in front of my future educators, and would just wait till scholarship audition dates. I asked My director if I could withdraw and he was not happy. Knowing all too well of my mental instability and "mind blocks" as we call them, he assured me there was nothing to lose. Little did he know that I wasn't worried about disappointing myself, but rather disappointing him. This was the case many times, despite the fact that he never set standards for me, other than to try my best. I created these thoughts in my own head. Always worrying about what other people think of me. (A personal problem I am still trying to overcome.)
So for the next couple of weeks I continued to drill and stress over this dreaded and incredibly difficult concerto that was far from perfect. And I cried. I often feel like part of the quality of my life and personality is based on the quality of my trumpet playing. Like it defines me, but not always in the best sense. Still do. It really gets to me.
When the festival came, I went into my first-round audition for the brass faculty and played my piece, or rather went through the movements necessary to get through it. It wasn't great. I was quite surprised when Dr. Johnson included my name in the list of students going into the final round, but just assumed it was because Dr. Grabowski already knew I would be attending UNI for sure. So the next day I left rehearsal to audition for Dr. Droe and Dr. Guy. It went better than the previous day, but still nothing to get excited about, I thought. After that audition, I walked into the middle of Dr. Grabowski's masterclass and literally sat there for less than 5 minutes before Dr. Johnson secretly came over and took me out of the Great Hall. I was confused as I made that short but oh-so-long walk into the hallway, butterflies in my stomach. As the door closed behind us, I saw that Dr. Droe, Dr. Guy, and Dr. G were with him. These words then came out of Dr. Johnson's mouth, "Congratulations, Ms. Hoffmann. We have chosen you as the solo competition winner. You will perform your solo at the final festival concert tomorrow night." Very rarely am I speechless, but this moment made me freeze. He and Dr. G gave me a hug as I let out the tears that I was trying so hard to keep in. Never did I come into this competition expecting to make it past the first round, let alone win this honor along with the scholarship money that so many potential students were fiercely fighting for. It was the best feeling. The kind you can only imagine if you've experienced a similar moment.
And now none of it matters. Nobody cares where you came from, or how much scholarship money you're riding on, or if you were the smartest or most talented person in your high school. The world is much bigger now. It's all about the present. But for one moment, the present was my time to shine. And it will happen again. To me. And you. The question is "When?"... You decide. That's what is great about this gift of life. We decide for ourselves when and how frequently we experience these moments. I can only hope and predict that the one I just wrote about will fall into the shadows of my future accomplishments.
So long story short, failing is always worse than never trying. Trust me... I've failed many times, and so have you. But think about some of the finer moments in your life. Moments that would not have happened if you didn't believe in yourself, even if it was just for a split second. Moments that come very rarely, but when they do... wow.
As I said in my very first blog post... I try not to let good opportunities pass me by. One of my fears is that I already have. There have been many adventures in my life such as the one above. Another quick example is how I made the decision to audition for high school jazz band the night/morning before the auditions took place. Now I'm a jazz major. Go figure.  :)
But sometimes I wonder... What about the opportunities I never knew about? The competitions I never heard of? The people I never talked to? The colleges I never looked into? Stuff like that. Sometimes opportunities present themselves to you, but sometimes you have to search. In other words - "If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." What if?
These are the experiences that have changed my life. OPTIMISM is the key here. If you're hesitant to go for the gold, tell your wary mind to suck a big one. Our days are numbered. Live your dreams. We only have one life. One chance. So make it count.

Quote of the day: "Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss."  ~Author Unknown
The tears are falling as I finish up this post... 

Iowa Shitty & Soundtrack of My Life

Jonelle (Bronelle) and I took a little trip to Coral Ridge Mall today! It was great.

First we went to Scheels so I could exchange a jacket I got for Christmas and this DOUCHER told me I could only get in-store credit with my gift receipt... I was pissed. I embarrassed Jonelle by arguing with him for a little bit and then I eventually just told him, "Ok put it back in the bag then. I'm leaving." Whatever.

After that ordeal our shopping experience was quite enjoyable. I have quite the eye for sales!

I don't really have much else to report today, so I'm going to do one of those iTunes shuffle quizzes because I'm bored and this sounds mildly entertaining. Here goes...

The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say:

"Leave Your Name and Number" (Marcus Printup) - Wow, guess this means I'm a whore.

Your favorite thing to say when drunk is:

"Just Dance" (Lady Gaga) - Perfection.

Your message to the world:

"Take the "A" Train" (Duke Ellington) - ChaCha's answer for "What does "take the A train" mean?": "Take the A train" is slang for when a group of men, one after the other, take on relations with a man or woman - usually from behind.

What best describes your personality? 

"Fiddler in the Hood" (Bowfire) - I'll take it.

Your deepest secret:

"The Wailer" (Duke Ellington) - Is this sexual?  

What hurts right now?

"Song for You" (Chris Botti) - I need a man, y'all.

Your innermost desire:

"Blow, Gabriel, Blow" (Anything Goes Soundtrack) - *See above*  

On your death bed, you'll whisper:

"A Gozar Timbero" (Tito Puente) - Glad to know I'll be fluent in Spanish by the time I die.

When you wake up in the morning, you mutter:

"Half Moon Street" (Count Basie) - Yeah, maybe if I was stoned.

Some good advice for you is:

"Nearness" (Charlie Parker & Dizzy Gillespie) - Cool?

Right now, your feelings are:

"Cross the Heartland" (Pat Metheny Group) - I'm not good with the symbolic shit...

Your life's soundtrack:

"Take It Easy" (Eagles) - I wish I could.

The day you fall in love will be the day that:

"Up Jumped Spring" (Freddie Hubbard) - Spring is right around the corner, right? How exciting.

You scream during sex:

"Trumpet Voluntary" (Phillip Jones Brass Ensemble) - That would be the last time I'd ever get laid.

What is your motto?

"Bass Head" (Bassnectar) - FUUUUCK YEAAAAH!

What do people assume when they first look at you?

"All of Me" (Louis Armstrong) - Neat - o. This tells me nothing.

Are you a good boyfriend/girlfriend?

"Dreamlight" (Michel Camilo) - So... Is that a "yes"?

What are you thinking about right now?

"Two Mexicans on the Wall" (Nicholas Payton) - Hahahahaha. 

Your best quality:

"Don't Stand So Close To Me" (Sting) - So my best quality is that I'm a giant bitch? Damn straight.

WELL, THAT WAS FUN!

Quote of the day: "Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools." - Albert Einstein. (Well then I guess I'm a proud fool because that frickin' d-bag Scheels employee made me quite angry today... grrrrrrr.)

Hello 2011!

Wow, I've had this blog for less than a month and I'm already slacking. My sincere apologies.
Well, as enjoyable as my days have been here in Bdorf, I am definitely ready to get back to college life at UNI. I miss the music classes & rehearsals and most of all I miss my bitches.
So i just got back from meeting with my high school band director, Drew Anderson. He studied with Dr. Grabowski at UNI too, which is pretty cool. He's a great mentor to me. I played for him and he said my sound has improved a lot since high school, which is awesome.
Oh wanna hear about my New Year's Eve celebrations? Yes. Yes you do. Ok so my girl Leah Christensen and I spent the evening getting ourselves into all sorts of shenanigans. First I got my cartilage pierced! It was totally spontaneous. Then we came back to my  house and felt sorry for ourselves for about an hour because we didn't have any real plans. We finally got dressed up and went to dinner at Chili's. After dinner, we drover over to a place called The Lodge. It's a hotel/restaurant thing that just happened to be having a NYE party! So we totally crashed the dance party in the ballroom and rocked out to disco music with the 50+ crowd. It was fucking awesome. After that we came back to my house and... well... you can only imagine. Let's just say January 1st, 2011 consisted of me sleeping all day, on the verge of blowing chunks. Totally worth it?? Hell yeah.
So my new years resolutions?
- Get a lot of trumpet practicing in (2+ hours a day)
- Allow myself to make mistakes & don't beat myself up when I do
- Lose some weight - Eat healthy, exercise, and all that jazz
- Deal with my shopping addiction
- No procrastinating (yeah right)
- Stop being a bitch... Wait... Who am i kidding? That will never happen.
Perhaps I'll add to this list at a later date.
Anyways... I've got places to be & people to see, so PEACE.
Quote of the day: "If you aren't making mistakes, you aren't trying hard enough." - Wynton Marsalis.
P.S.: If you missed 60 Minutes last night, you should totally look it up online and watch the portion on Wynton Marsalis and JALC. It was awesome.

                                             "Trouble is our middle name."